Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. And he tried to change me, too (although I was worse): he was always trying to get me to relax more, to spend less time working and instead build my schedule around him. LW: I feel you so much in this. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. 14. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. ' with the response You figured it out!. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. Gastrointestinal distress. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. Fun schmun, he can chop thirty onions and keep his mouth shut. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. Not okay. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. They seem impatient His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. "I . Absolutely. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. You know what they do respond to? When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. The important element? Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. Seriously. Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. . Its still really hard to not jump in, but I think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner. But my partner punishes me emotionally when I eat unhealthy food and dont exercise just sounds really bad out of context. You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. He is not interested in you. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). Ugh, replying to myself. LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? He didnt like my opinions. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. That stupidest thing Ive ever heard bit set off major alarm bells for me, too. They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. Seconded! In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Even though I cant even do hosting as much as Id like and my home is a bit of a mess. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. Best of luck and all my thoughts. His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. You are not the target demographic. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. Cant remember him ever doing this either. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? Not. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. They are debate tools. Responding to specific, objective elements is reasonable, and a good way to keep score if things are getting better or worse. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. Its part of who you are but that doesnt make it a bad thing. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). What was it that made him stop putting in the work? Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. Low self-esteem. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. Heh). I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. Is he happy? But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Id say all this really depends on the details. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). The goalposts will keep moving. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner . And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. Id make it simpler still: Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. Mmmm. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. It was exhausting for both of us. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. Maybe that makes a good benchmark if someones trying to sort out the real from the fake. ? when someone is abused.). OK, clearly Im not making you happy here, what with my not exercising right and not eating well enough and doing the dishes as frequently as you like. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. The world outside of math isnt like that. This means that if you purchase a product through the link, we get a small commission at no cost to you. Sometimes we are in love with the idea of the person and it makes you so angry that they are not that person. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. Pick one.. I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. I had a boyfriend like that once. I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. Hell yeah! Bottom line is the conversation . This guy is manipulative. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. THIS. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. Really, Im sure it is for someone. This! I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. 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Mouth shut you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and not...

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