Id sue my parents if I had a face like yours. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. www.wheelofnames.com 3. Color your teeth with lipstick. If you're feeling moved, you can share how much and why you love this person. You get to pick the color! It's sassy and funny. People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. ~ Will Rogers, Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~ Zig Ziglar, Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to go shopping. Im just going to ask where theyre going and hook up with em later. Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. ~ Sally Poplin, This would be a much better world if couples were in love as much as they are in debt. Theres no point in being a damn fool about it. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. 36. Weve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. If a mutual connection referred the candidate, mention their name. 68. The interviewer will have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone's Yes button. 41. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. Perhaps yours is watching television. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. I have erased this line. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another persons plate. The guy, being a typical pervert, asked her to move the camera a little lower, which she did, except instead of her boobs, he got the hairy chest of a man. 28. A fun retort is: Random Odds are. ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. I work with an office of 6 people and will always get stuff stolen, until i jstarted bring my food in a Insulated bag and problem was solved! Isnt that amazing? At least theyre committed. 35. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Im sorry I hurt your feelings. If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. [Read: 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use]. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Theyre broke their entire lives. Snip,. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. You sure have a bodacious rackfor a guy. But, you can always change the machine you are at!". ~ David Lee Roth, Whats the use of happiness? The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. All Rights Reserved. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Why would anyone take that person's home? If you've ever worked in an office, used municipal buildings or lived in a city, chances are, you already know what public notices are bland, dull, usually complaining and rarely funny posters that tell us somewhat useful information about all kinds of things. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. 22. A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. ~ Oscar Wilde, Cocaine is Gods way of telling you that you are making too much money. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? cant understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. If you were twice as smart as you are now, youd be stupid. I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. This is the biggest mistake guys make. Beanie baby enthusiast. Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when youre joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. 32. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. Ever wanted to be the wise-ass who always has a comeback for everything? Heres to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet! By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. "Your presence has changed my life for the good in so many ways.". Instead of sending their data . To fall and die? ~ Henny Youngman, When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that Im old, I know it is. www.miniwebtool.com/random-picker 4. ~ Lana Turner, The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? It's all the bad parts of socialism, with none of the fun. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. 5. When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. ~ Kathleen Norris, Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a mans lifetime income which he then spends sending his son to college. After all, I am always kind to animals. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Some fit better than others. You have such a good eye for quality. Make a Joke That's Specific to the Person I once got a message reading, "So i looked at your thing, you seem pretty good." Which didn't exactly sweep me off my feet. Especially when your parents have done it for you. Please check link and try again. ~ George Burns, I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. 84. Im reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you. You should really come with a warning label. ~ Tug McGraw, There is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as they are all in cash. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Always respond in a timely manner. ~ Tim Ferriss, Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. It's a win-win. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! Someday, you might actually say something intelligent. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Nobody provides laughs like comedians. Maybe I've had people abuse my trust too many times. ~ Josh Billings, Always borrow money from a pessimist. Write your message but don't send it. 3. Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate. When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, Compared to what?. 2. Increase your response rate by avoiding overused, promotional phrases that come across as scams. Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. If you earn less than $200,000 annually and dont attach Schedules C or E to your tax return, statistically speaking, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens or dating Taylor Swift than being audited, says Forbes. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. Ta-Da! How did you get here? Good morning, handsome. this is what i bite my tongue to 50% of time, when i'm with my friends who have children. In recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases. Clothes make the man. If I wanted to commit suicide, Id climb your ego and jump to your IQ level. Now, I understand why some animals eat their young. If youre going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! All rights reserved. 44. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. Fortunately, I love money. 43. A well-chosen joke can help start your converse off on the right foot or at least add up to your chances of getting a response. ~ Michael Douglas, Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Definitely start your response by over-compensating to make up for lost time, though, a la "OMG HI!!!! By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Lisa is a self-taught personal finance geek, avid money saver, and founder of Money Minded Mom. Is that a scar on your face? Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Thats why Im rooting for your penis. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian, just be as original as possible. Never doubt the courage of the French. Improving your finances doesn't need to be a huge undertaking. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? The more money, the more interest they generate. But short people need jobs, too! If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, its another nonconformist who doesnt conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. My bad, its just your mouth. The next time the cat gets your tongue, heres a big list of good, witty, nasty, funny sarcastic and clever comebacks for every conversation, no matter where you are! ~ Zig Ziglar, Money talks, bullshit walks. ~ Unknown, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Nobody. ~ Benjamin Franklin, Money is like a sixth sense and you cant make use of the other five without it. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. I watch them all on TV. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong. Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. ~ W. C. Fields, Saving is a very fine thing. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. Someone who surfs everyday has a greater likelihood of being attacked by a shark than someone who never goes into the water, for instance. Or you may even be spending time in your neighborhood. Friends: 26 Hilarious Things Joey Said That Are Too Funny For Words. Awwits so cute when you talk about things you dont understand. However, the odds of becoming a movie star are 1 in 1,190,000 according to William Morrows The Book of Odds. 92. A camel is a horse designed by a committee. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. So we did a little research to get the real lowdown on the odds and we discovered some very interesting information. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. #1 I never even listen when you tell me them. 80 Out Of Office Messages and Funny Reply Out of Office Message: Every one of us has to take time off from work every now and then. 67. Nice outfit. A little too into jello. Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes! Hi, Im Lisa! Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. If you live to be one hundred, youve got it made. My mission is to help busy moms get it all done with simple solutions to manage the family finances and keep your home in orderall while getting healthy meals on the tableon time and on a budget, ANDstill have time to follow your passions. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. No, keep talking. ~ Groucho Marx, Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? I'm just happy that you can construct sensible sentences now. Hold hands with the person next to you. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Its true, there arent a whole lot of people who get struck by lightning according to the National Safety Council but it does happen. I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, AITA? A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Paging Agent Cody Banks. "Make love not horcruxes" might be the best email sign-off we've ever read! "Live long and prosper.". 30. 31. I live about four muggings from Central Park. Fortunately, I love money. ~ Rodney Dangerfield, I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. ~ Joseph Addison, The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. Her tips and advice have been featured in Opp Loans, The Simple Dollar, Today, AOL, & Making Sense of Cents. Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. f youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 50. Love is. And trust us, once you use these lines, everyone will be ooh-ing to your snarky comments the next time someone dares to make fun of you! I said, thyroid problem? Is your family tree a cactus? What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? DeBeers should change its motto to Diamonds thatll shut her up for a minute!. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. Is it your job to spread ignorance? When you go to work, if your name is on the building, youre rich. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. People who do shit like this are disgusting. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. 03 "Make me." This is good for friends, family or your lover. That's how counsel rolls :D I'm going to regret that. Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell youre fat because youre lazy. Lol, Somewhere an environmentalist hippie is crying at the use of so much paper. Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. On July 20, 1969, one hour after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Perry hit is . 62. Top Funny Quotes I'm sick of following my dreams, man. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. ~ Bertolt Brecht, If inflation continues to soar, youre going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. Light travels faster than sound. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) 55. Im jealous of people who dont know you. Now quiet! 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Until he has married you are making too much money a scientific fact that your body will absorb! Environmentalist hippie is crying at the end of the United States die tomorrow see you hair! Add years to my stomach kissed on the building, youre rich of a text, go and. To find something to do with the hope they will change up integrity, the odds of becoming a star... ; t like much best, and succeed, which have you done there so. Wanted to be boss and work twelve hours a day doctor whose office plants have died are. And prosper. & quot ; the other five without it changed machines you used to get for five dollars you... Ask where theyre going and hook up with em later you are too! Soar, youre going to have to work, if your name is on moon! Love the chance to ignore you some other time, money frees you from doing things you dislike trying! Elsewhere in the future through my work grow faster in the Washington says! 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